A survival guide to the coronation - for those who don't care.

A survival guide to the Coronation – for those who don’t care.

 

Have you made your coronation quiche yet? Got your Union Jack paper plates and bunting at the ready? Have you memorised your lines for the pledge of allegiance? If not, I don’t blame you, because neither have I. With the whole country preparing to crown the next King, I’m beginning to question, is this all really necessary?

Many royalists contend that celebrating the coronation parades the greatness of Great Britain. Without sounding too cynical, what is so great about Britain right now? Is it the nearly 14 million people in absolute poverty as of 2022? Or the 2 million people relying on food banks? What about the 12 hours+ A&E wait times? Doesn’t sound too great to me. With the country in despair, celebrating one mega rich family seems rather tone-deaf.

 

Now, you might be thinking I’m being a bit harsh on the Windsors, they aren’t all to blame for this austerity. Perhaps not. But all this grandeur is very reminiscent of Boris Johnson burning a £50 note in front of a homeless man.  With more than 20% of the country’s population facing absolute poverty, and that figure only forecasted to grow, celebrating the existence of the super-rich feels like a kick in the teeth.

 

With the Union Jack and Charlie’s face being plastered on every shop window, TV advert, and magazine, here are some ideas on how you can spend your 6^th May, if like me, you don’t care for the royals:

 

-          Don’t switch it on – unless you want to poke fun at rich people dressing up to have a big fancy tea party. But it’s probably worth it to just give it a miss. You could watch Man City play Leeds on Sky Sports at 15:00, maybe put on Netflix. Whatever it is, perhaps ignore BBC this weekend.

-          Indulge in some real British culture – let's face it, the royal family simply isn’t reflective of quintessential British life. Blast some Oasis, pour some proper Yorkshire Tea, and pop down to your local chippy. It's time we stop pretending that being British is all posh and pomp.

-          Steer clear of gammons – if you don’t know, gammon is a term used to describe middle-aged, GBNews-watching bigots who are for some reason perpetually red from sunburn, hence the name gammon. You know, the type to complain about too many Spanish people in Spain. Facebook is a breeding ground for this type of person, and they’ll be out in full this weekend. Reading gammon comments can be upsetting, tiring and I’m convinced causes minor brain damage, so for your own sanity, avoid Facebook and Twitter like the plague this Saturday.

 

If you don’t do any of these things this weekend, that’s fine, but one thing I implore you to do is not pledge allegiance. As a nation, we’ve been so kindly invited to swear an oath of allegiance to the new King. In civilised countries, the leader swears their allegiance to the people, but here on Insane Island, it’s us the people who must pledge our undying fidelity to a family of creepy old billionaires. Now, I understand that this guide is neither neutral nor unbiased, however, neither is the leader of a nation being elected solely through birthright.

 

And to those camping outside of Buckingham Palace, I have but one thing to say to you: find a new hobby.